Published October 18, 2005
Your name
Will forever be for me
Love, and pain
And so many unfathomable emotions
Tumbling together in a waterfall
Forming an ocean that can never be crossed.
It’s nights like these, when I think these things
That I can hardly believe you are real;
Everything that happened between us
That days I would have died for
And the things you could have spared me
Were never really real…
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
Errr, great?
I like these lines and that's about it. These lines are great, and I completely identify with them.
So broad... so impersonal. Find a better way to describe your emotions. These generalizations are overused and cliche.
You use "real" too much. Invest in a thesaurus. Until then, how about replacing the first one with "exists"?
Replace the second "these" with "such".
"That days I would have died for... spared me" is great. I really like that phrase.
"Really real"? Oy. First off all, avoid the word "really." Second of all, if you must use it, don't have real directly after it. That's just painful, man.
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You have a few great phrases here, but the rest of it is fluff. Try to tailor it around those phrases and beef it out a bit. Happy revision!